S.Moose

Life is tricky. It does things that make you wonder. It always throws curve balls but it takes strength and love to be able to get through the disasters. The simple words and actions of others can make a difference between life and death. Sometimes it’s hard to feel love, but it’s always there. The love of a parent, a sibling or a friend is there but the darkness has a way of hiding those feelings that people yearn for. Darkness. What a funny word that carries such evilness and fear. The darkness can be defeated but it takes a strong person that’s willing to see past it and reach for the light. The light can be anyone or anything.

My light left me in the dark, but life always has a way of making things right again. I see my light every week but I can’t bring myself to say anything. I feel nothing but shame and embarrassment. I messed up with my light and I wish he’d see how much I miss him. But I think it might be too late. My light looks happy and satisfied. I don’t wanna mess up his life like I did before.

I look down at my journal and read what I just wrote. Writing was an escape from reality for me. I could write about anything and everything and know that my words were for my eyes only. It was a release and a way to put things in perspective- my own private counseling session. I was able to reevaluate my thoughts and actions.

My therapist, Dr. Taylor, keeps encouraging me to write since it allows to me see myself in my words. My thoughts run wild as I think about Adam. He’s the only one who understands me. I fell in love with him when we were ten years old. I used to imagine our wedding and being with him forever. He’s still my first love. I think about him every day. The bond we had was irreplaceable. I didn’t think that leaving him would leave an ache in my heart that has never gone away.

I place my head on my pillow and my mind goes back to August when I saw him again. He came into my creative writing class and I couldn’t believe he was there. I thought he was in Boston for school and never thought I’d see him sitting there in my class at my school. His blonde hair was done perfectly and those piercing blue eyes looked through me as if he saw my soul. The way his polo hugged his beautiful body made me quiver. I imaged him picking me up in those strong arms and putting those lips all over me.

I shake my head and push those thoughts away. It’s too late and the damage had been done. I close my journal and put it back under my pillow. I think a little more about life as I get up from my bed to get ready for class.

I’m in my senior year of college and am up for a full time position with Optimax-a newfound technological company that focuses on the success of students. The company has released new products that help students who have trouble learning and paying attention. The new advances in the company strived to push students in the middle and high school levels to graduate and go to college.

I’ve always wanted to help people especially kids and teens. The position at the company primarily focuses on the marketing and sales end but just to be a part of something so innovative is a great feeling. Life is going well and I’m happy but there’s still something missing.

I finish getting ready for class and give myself a quick check in the mirror. I grab my purse and books and head out. My dorm was newer and nicely renovated. I have the dorm room to myself and it feels good to come back after a day full of classes to relax and not have to worry about anyone else. College was a whole new world for me.

The university was older and has a historical essence. It was built in the 1899’s but there’s so much life and energy that surrounds the school. It provides a calm and serene feeling that helps students relax. The trees and intact nature gives it a touch of tranquility many people try to find after a long day of classes. Some of the buildings are newer, but many of the buildings didn’t have elevators, only stairs. There are four different main buildings and six buildings for the dorms with 15 rooms on each floor. Each dorm building has three floors and are all secured. Each student has their own key card with access to just their building. I feel safe in my dorm knowing that not anyone could come right in. There are benches and trees all over and during the warmer months several students would plant flowers in the courtyard to enhance the liveliness of the school. I’m only an hour away from home so leaving wasn’t ever an issue. I wanted to be close yet far enough so that I was able to grow and live my own life without the protective eyes of my dad and older sister Sarah.

It’s December and luckily no snow in North Carolina. It’s freezing outside but the walk to my class isn’t too bad of a walk. I look around and notice the bare trees all around. There’s a peaceful feel in the air today. I look up to the sky and remember my mom’s voice-god I miss her so much.

As I enter the building I see Erin chatting away with a group of friends. I still remembered the day I met her.

It was the first day of freshmen orientation and I saw this petite blond hair, green-eyed girl coming my way. I thought she’d mistaken me for someone else so I turned around and started walking away.

“Hey!”

I turned around and saw her smile. “Um hi?” The question in my tone made me sound like a snob but I didn’t know how else to answer her.

“I’m Erin. It’s nice to meet you! I love your outfit! Oh my god! We need to go shopping together.”

We’ve been friends ever since.

“Why hello sunshine.” She gives me a quick hug and smiles. “Where you going now?”

I point over to the classroom on the right hand side. “History. World War II you know that fun stuff.”

“I don’t even know why you’re taking that class. You’re like done with everything so why bother.”

“One it’s a very interesting class and two I like to learn new things.”

“Learn anything from Kyle yet?” The evil smirk on her face makes me laugh.

Kyle Harrington, captain of the basketball team, all around amazing, sweet, sexy, gorgeous and smart guy is my boyfriend. We met at the Business Leaders of America group last semester. We were assigned to work together on a project and I hated the idea of being paired with him. I thought he was a cocky jock at first and I was prepared to do the whole project without him. But he surprised me and put in his part of the project. We spent endless nights together in the café going through every slide to ensure everything was perfect. Kyle was like me, a perfectionist. He had so many good ideas and I was crushing on him bad only after spending so much time with him but I wasn’t experienced and never had a boyfriend so being around Kyle was new. I had a feeling he felt the same way but I was too scared to ask. He’d ask me to go to his basketball games and we spent a lot of time together. Finally on our fourth date, he asked me to be his girlfriend and I said yes. We’ve been together for a few months and things were going great but he started to change. Our relationship turned from romantic and sweet to arguing every day. I didn’t know what to do-I wanted to break up with him. I’m holding a secret and I’ve tried to leave him but he won’t let me go. I can’t seem to get away and each time I do, he gets mad and treats me horribly. I shake away those thoughts and try to focus on Erin.

I look back and see her waiting patiently for my answer. “No nothing new,” I laugh.

“How are you a 21 year old virgin? God Soph are you planning on becoming a nun or something?”

“Funny.” I shrug my shoulders. “You’re lucky you’re my best friend. But I gotta get to class, talk to you later.” We give each other another hug and I get to class. I make my way to the back of the classroom and get ready for class to start.

Students are slowly making their way into class. The room is fairly large with windows all over. It’s nice to look out and watch the world pass you by during a boring lecture. Today we’re discussing imprisonment. So fun.

I pull out my notebook from my purse when I see Adam come into the room. My breathing stops and I feel my heart pounding. Our eyes meet and there’s something in his eyes that I can’t figure out. He has a look-a look he used to always give me. He puts his hand up to say “hi” and smiles. I freeze. I can’t say or do anything. He didn’t have this class so why is he here? My mind goes back to the night I almost lost Adam:

I was driving to the restaurant to meet my dad and Sarah for dinner. I was at the stoplight when I saw someone sitting by a tree in the corner of the road. Usually I ignored the person and carried on but a voice told me to go see if they were okay. I pulled my car up to the curb and put it in park. When I got out and started walking over to the mysterious person, I realized it was Adam and started running. I made sure he was breathing and started to shake him. He slowly opened his eyes and said my name, “Sophia,” and passed out again. I smelled alcohol on his breath and knew that if we brought him to the hospital and got the cops involved it would mean trouble for him and I didn’t want that to happen. I ran back to my car and brought it over so I could put Adam in the backseat. I immediately called my dad and told him what was going on; he was a doctor at a nearby hospital and he would know what to do. He got nervous and wanted me to call Adam’s parents but I knew his dad would have freaked out so I pleaded with mine to have him spend the night. It took some time but my dad finally gave me instructions on what to do. My nerves were running wild and I was scared. I didn’t want anything bad to happen to Adam. The adrenaline and fear helped me get him in the car but I was exhausted after getting him in. When I got Adam to my house my dad was there with Sarah waiting for me. We managed to get him inside and settled on the couch. After my dad was done making sure he was ok, he left the room with Sarah so I could be with him. I sat across from him and watched him sleep. I sent a text to Connor letting him know what was going on but never heard back. I wanted to crawl next to Adam and tell him to forgive me and to come back to me but that never happened. I was too scared to see how he’d react. I was leaving the next day to go to school and from what I heard he was heading to Boston. I simply gave me a kiss on the forehead and said goodbye. I never found out what happened the next morning and never asked how he reacted. I left the next morning at six without saying bye to Adam. I hated myself for doing that but I couldn’t face him. Sarah tried to tell me but I waved her off and said I couldn’t handle it because I couldn’t.

The pain in my heart pokes its ugly head out. I would have given anything just to have him back in my life. I couldn’t take my eyes off of him and my body aches for his touch. As soon as Dr. Murphy comes into class he takes Adam into the hall. I wonder what’s going on. I try and peek out but they’re so quiet and everyone in class is loud so I can’t hear anything.  I keep thinking about the times we’ve run into each other and the smiles he gives me. Adam has two smiles-a friendly smile and one that means something else. The smile I get is the one that means something else, but I wasn’t sure the meaning. I’ve never taken the chance to talk to him because I’m scared with how he’ll react. Would he dismiss me? Would he care? I don’t think he’d be rude since he smiles whenever I’m around but something just feels off. Finally Dr. Murphy comes back into class, without Adam, and starts his lecture.

I try and listen to what he’s talking about but I keep thinking about Adam. The way he looks today stays on my mind. I love looking into his blue eyes. He was my best friend and I shared everything with him. Every memory I had he was in it. We were inseparable all throughout elementary, middle and high school until senior year when I ended our friendship. If only I could take back that night.

“Miss Burns?”

I quickly look up when Dr. Murphy calls my name. “I’m sorry Dr. Murphy could you repeat the question?”

Annoyance in his tone he asks, “What are your thoughts about imprisonment?”

I look around the room and see my classmate’s eyes on me. This seems like an easy answer since I experience imprisonment almost every day. I’m confident with my answer. “It’s an evil force that was used throughout the war and I think it was used to create fear and control.”

Dr. Murphy’s face starts to glow. “Good Miss Burns.”

He continues on with class and starts talking about how we shouldn’t let history repeat itself and making small changes can help ensure that. I thought about what he was saying and realized how I didn’t want history to repeat. I didn’t want the darkness to take over my life anymore.

When he dismisses class, I hurry out the room.  I send a text to Erin so that we can meet for coffee. My body suddenly freezes and I feel someone watching me. I slowly turn around and see Adam behind me. Why did he have to transfer here to my school? Out of the thousands of schools there are in the United States, why this one? I was doing fine without him near me! Well that’s a lie. I dream about him every night and wish he would come back. But how can I be around him when I’m dating Kyle? I have to be loyal and faithful. It’s hard enough to see him at the basketball practices and games. I try to avoid him at all costs but nothing works. He’s always around!

Erin tried being friends with him since they had some classes together and talked about how good he looked or how nice he is. After a few weeks of listening to her talk about Adam, I became jealous and turned into a bitch. I told her that it was he or I. She called me a dumb and immature for that but being around Adam brought back too many memories that I buried all those years ago.

My eyes are ready to pop out of my head. I didn’t know what to say to him or what to do. He gets in front of my face and I couldn’t talk. Our eyes connect and it’s a feeling no one could ever describe. The way he makes me feel is unbelievable.

“Hey Soph.” He smiles at me. “It was good seeing you in class. Sorry I couldn’t talk but maybe next time.” He places his hand on my shoulder and gives me a gentle squeeze and walks towards the gym. My body is on fire. With just one touch, my mind is spinning in circles and I feel everything in my body tighten.

I stand there with my mouth dry and my heart beating out of my chest. I couldn’t even say hi to him. This is ridiculous. I am twenty-one years old and can handle talking to an old friend. An old friend that I still love and fantasize about. Oh yeah, saying Hi should have been easy!

I make it to the café and order a soy caramel latte with an extra shot of espresso. I take a sip and wait for Erin at a table in the corner of the room. I play that scene over in my head and try to figure out what hell just happened. I’m beside myself and embarrass because I stood there like an idiot. Maybe he didn’t hate me and was trying to get back in my life?

“Girl stop thinking.”

My head jerks up and my bubbly best friend is dressed to impress with her skinny jeans, black knee high boots and a sweater. “Hi to you too sunshine.”

She takes my latte and sits down. “Yeah yeah. Alright what’s going on?”

I give her my death stare as she drinks my latte. “Nothing! I wanted to see you and catch up.” I want to tell her more about Adam but it feels weird to talk about him.

“Bullshit.” She rolls her eyes at me. “I know something’s up with you so tell me.”

I sigh. I knew she wouldn’t let this go and get me to talk. “Alright so remember Adam right?”

“Yeah hot Adam Simpson.” My body tenses again when she says his name.

“I can’t stop thinking about him Erin. I dream about him at night and freeze every time he’s near me. I can’t focus at all and ugh!” I sigh as think about all of this. Why was this so hard? “And get this? He was walking behind me earlier and said “hey Soph.” I almost died!”

Erin slaps my arm and nearly falls out of her chair. “What the hell did you say back to him?”

I look away from her, “nothing,” I mumble.

“Huh? Talk louder,” she enunciates her words.

“Nothing!” I shriek and then put my hands over my face to hide my humiliation.

Erin bursts out laughing. “You said nothing? Oh my god Soph.”

“Yes please laugh at me because that makes me feel so much better!”

She takes my hand and looks at me. “Honey, I love you so much but you’re a riot. Why do I feel like something else is going on with you?” She looks at me with question in her eyes. I looked away from her. “Oh no Sophia! Tell me what’s going on!”

I roll my eyes. “I don’t know if I wanna be with Kyle anymore. Things suck right now. All we do is fight and he’s an asshole.” I sighed and leaned back in my chair. “I don’t know Erin. I mean we fight a lot and he gets mad when I don’t wanna go out. I like to stay away from the party scene and he hasn’t grown up, he is still a partier. He’s different behind closed doors when we’re alone.”

“Aww Soph I’m sorry. Have you tried talking to him?”

“No.” I look down at my hands. “He doesn’t like to talk about anything.”

Erin gets up and walks over to me. She sits down again and looks me in the eyes. “I want you to be happy Soph because you deserve nothing but the best. If you are feeling shitty with Kyle then leave him. If you want Adam make sure you’re done with Kyle. You gotta do you babe.”

I look at my best friend and think about what to do next.

**Comments from the author, S. Moose:  Thank you for your time! This was fun and I am glad to have met you and the other Goddesses! Also, I love meeting my fans so feel free to email me and send me a message on Facebook or Twitter!

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